Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Characters who will be popping up in GAME OF THRONES next season

As yet another season of Game of Thrones draws to a close, pop culture sites have already started seeding the soil of fandom with news items on the next season. 

Despite the fact that this series is based on books that you can read, people like to read press releases and gossip about what is coming next season and what will actually make it from page to screen.

Luckily, Mr. K. happens to have a source willing to slip him some click-bait-y tidbits about...

New Characters You Can Expect in Game of Thrones' Next Season!

1. Profane assassin/street-thug
2. A bureaucrat at some non-governmental organization in Westeros/Braavos/Mereen who is going to make it difficult for a character to get what they want
3. Dragon Food
4. Attendant who points out to Daenerys that conquering is easy, but ruling is hard
5. A member of a conspiracy to kill the king/queen/lord/religious cult leader
6. The leader of a crazy new religious cult
7. That guy who we spend 5 minutes with so we can understand that this new mystical threat is pretty threatening once it kills him
8. Ramsay Snow's dog trainer
9. Someone whose existence threatens Cersei
10. Someone who Cersei is going to f*** over
11. Someone whose death will make Jon Snow sad
12. Someone whose death will show us that Arya/Sansa/Tyrion/Hot Pie has crossed a line
13. A seasoned British character actor whose gravitas is supposed to make up for the fact he doesn't have much to do or say
14. Yet another guy playing the Mountain
15. Darth Maul
16. An attractive prostitute who is going to make out with someone else attractive as a lead character monologues about how power corrupts or their childhood was awful or how power is hard to maintain
17. Dragon Poochie
18. Someone you start to like in spite of yourself, until you remember that they die halfway through DANCE OF DRAGONS
19. A hard-drinking old man who has a secret past
20. Victimized peasant
21. Victimized peasant woman
22. Victimized peasant child
23. Dead peasant family
24. Indie band dressed as troubadors who play the third song that ever was written in Westeros
25. Rex Hamilton as Abe Lincoln